Marriage in Crisis

There’s something reassuring and strengthening about old school friends and we all need the valve of trusted friendship without any judgement. As a group of four, when we can co-ordinate our diaries it’s good to take the time out. It has been three years since we managed a girly overnight together. Then, it was in a glorious health spa boutique style country house hotel with an award winning restaurant. This time, it was in our house in the Village with a menu of lamb stew and Apple Crumble. Alex, well known to them all, was there and morphed in gracefully. Each sleepover takes on its own personality or form. In the past we have been through all sorts – childbirth, sibling death, parental dependency, losing children to the gap year / emigration, hysterectomy, menopause and coming out. The other night the theme was the fragility of marriage with Stella on the sofa on this occasion.

Stella married Dan a little later in life, on the rebound from Peter and had two boys – now aged 16 and 14. Two years ago Dan signed for a £6m euro business development loan, mere moments before the economy collapsed. Last year Stella checked Dan into a Psychiatric Unit after he had contemplated suicide. It was only the thought of how the dog would get home from the beach that saved him. When Dan was in hospital Stella realised that there was absolutely no income to put food on the table in the designer kitchen of their detached house in the exclusive estate on the right side of town. Stella had been a successful career woman in her own right and her savings had gone into the business. It was the worst year in Stella’s life. In order to pay school fees she cashed in all their insurance policies and to cover weekly bills she took a job on the beauty counter at a local department store. At the time, she gave us the impression that this job was to “get out of the house”. In reality, it was a living hell for Stella.

Stella cried her heart out that night as her story came out. Dan, as it goes, is on his last legs with Stella. He’s now working for another company on a year’s contract. Peter has swanned back in to the fringes of her life. Peter represents all that is elusive and exciting to Stella. But as we pointed out to Stella that night, Peter was a taker while she was a giver. In Stella’s eyes, however, it seems Dan is a no hoper. But, he’s the father of her boys we said. It seems, dear reader, that the collapse in the economy mirrored a collapse in the fragile veneer of a middle class lifestyle of the three week family holidays in France, private school, golf club membership and girly shopping breaks in various cities of Europe. Stella’s uncontrollable sobbing was heart wrenching to see. The shock of it was that Stella was the confident, successful, glamorous and smart one of us. And we all love her spirit. She has a generous soul and people are naturally drawn to her.

There are three possible endings to Stella’s story. The first is that she will stick with Dan and muddle through, secondly, she will leave Dan and rebuild her life, bank balance and support her boys or thirdly, Peter will come back into her life, offer commitment this time and be a stepdad to the boys. It’s clear that her sons' interests are paramount and she will do all she can to protect them. But it’s also clear that she has lost respect for Dan. I will keep you posted.