Under the hammer

We discovered an auction house with a sale on Bank Holiday Monday, so we got there an hour before the sale and bought our catalogue. We ticked the items we liked from the 547 lots on show. There were mirrors (two different kinds), paintings, garden lanterns, some kinda chairs, another kinda chair, a coffee table, a writing desk. There was also a gents mahogany mirror, a Japanese cigarette box, a yew writing desk and a Victorian pine chest of drawers. We deliberated carefully and made a shortlist with three items on in it. The first was two fenders marked £20-£25. Then there was a gilt mirror – guide price £40-£60. Finally there was a coffee table with a guide price of £100-£150.

As proceedings began the atmosphere was marginally tense with the auctioneer in complete command of the room. It was no place for amateurs. He moved efficiently through the lots, keeping an eye on the bidders while managing the entire process with humorous banter. The pleasure of being there was following the fate of the items which we had picked out. Alex really has a good eye. The first lot to come up was the fenders. Alex raised our paddle at £25 and again at £35. Two others in the room were interested. The hammer fell for a woman at the front at £55. It was over in a matter of seconds. Several lots later Alex had another go. This time for some garden lanterns. Not in our shortlist but Alex is Alex. The auctioneer looked directly at Alex. Thirty-five? he asked. Alex shook her head purposefully with all the panache of a seasoned buyer at auctions.

As the auction flowed on we pinched each other. It was her first attempt to bid in an auction. I was still a bid virgin. Then came our gilt mirror. We did not even get a chance to bid on this as it shot up very quickly to £75. We watched and listened as a host of other items came under the hammer. Then Alex kept an ear out for the yew writing desk which did not make the shortlist either. It was in the catalogue at £50-£80. The bidding started at £40. Alex went £45. It went £50. Alex went £55. Then £60. I watched Alex in fascination. She went £65. The auctioneer looked at the other bidder. Then it was sold to us. We were the delighted owners of a yew writing bureau.

We had just one item remaining of interest in the auction room. The coffee table – guide price £100-£150. As it stands, dear reader, you are probably thinking it’s a bit steep for a coffee table. Well I can only tell you that it’s a most exquisite piece of furniture, with the circular table top supported by four of the most magnificent partly clad women who morph into table legs at the very base. There was an underneath about half the size of the table top and these ladies slope in to support it and back out to be in line with the table top. My description fails to do it justice but suffice to say, this is not a mass produced piece. Anyway, we fancied it would be a marvellous conversation piece in our new front room and somewhere elegant to rest a glass of Rioja upon.

The table was one of the last items in the catalogue and Alex slipped off to the loo after the victory of the writing desk. I was left in charge of the paddle and the catalogue and my mind wandered. Then I heard the auctioneer entreat us with his smooth words – pine drawers £20 as he looked for a bidder. In mind’s eye I could see the Victorian Pine chest of drawers which had not made our shortlist. I quickly lifted the paddle. Twenty pounds I am bid, he intoned. Twenty five, he asked the room. No takers. He nodded at me. The hammer came down. I had got us some pine drawers. It was item 402. I borrowed a pen from a punter. My first bid and I was a winner. When Alex came back I told her I had got us some pine drawers for £20. Of course it wasn’t the Victorian pine ones – it was a small set of three drawers. Never mind, it will look good painted up Alex said.

Eventually it came to the coffee table. Alex and I had a strategy. The auntioneer might start the bidding at £80 but we decided to sit back and come in as a new bid towards the end and we would snatch it at £150. In the event this was not possible. The bidding quickly opened at £160. It rose in twenties fast and furious with three people bidding. One fell away which left an oriental woman and an Egyptian looking man. The Egyptian won and the hammer fell at £400. All over in 30 seconds.

As we lugged our spoils of war to the car we spotted some of the items we liked being carted off. The fenders ended up in the back of a big grey van. Clearly professionals. I saw a tall bearded chap carry off the portrait of the lady under his arm and a blond woman who was bidding against us for the desk wished lots of joy with it. In fact two others said we had got a lovely piece in the desk. Funnily, nobody mentioned the pine drawers. Anyway, Alex is the auction queen and dreamt about another auction last night. So we'll be back.